LIRA: kill me now
by TeamLIRA
Summary: I go to the universe of RWBY with my mate to make it up for ditching him for 13 years to hunt monsters. Things get really stupid and contrived, but it's explained in the intro.


Author's note:

So, I've been writing fanfiction for a while now. But I kept them concealed from the public because of how shit they are. My friend gave me some "encouragement" so i decided to post my most recent ones. There is a shit story behind it and i will go into brief detail on how I got into where my character is now. Prepare your brain cells. **Warning: adult language and violence ahead!**

I was a normal kid walking in town but was kidnapped by none other than princess Celestia (Yes, I was a brief fan of the show... you see why i concealed them now!?) and i learn to wield magic. i am then tasked by Twilight to go on a hunting spree, particularly for changelings (I know they were reformed, bugger off) after Twilight mysteriously gives birth to a daughter called Stardust (uncaps lemon flavoured bleach bottle) and, to protect her, i decide to learn the art of ancient dragonslaying (gets shot glass), from the ancient dragon, Durnehviir (pours bleach into glass). I then get a diamond sword and a bronze dagger that can turn into any weapon from the ruins underneath canterlot (brings glass up to lips) and, after killing a changeling who killed an angel and almost killed my girlfriend (fucking surprising, yeah?) I get the attention of the fucking Goddess of the hunt, Artemis and she joins in with the fun, as does my old friend Lewis. we then set foot into the RWBY universe. Oh, and i travel across different universes in the media, like fairy tail (that's where i got the dragonslaying idea, if you didn't notice) and Avatar: the last airbender (pours bleach down sink and bites into shot glass).

you still with me? Good, because it gets much worse from here.

I walked into a store and looked around. I was on edge after getting separated from the others it appears the bronze revolver I had, fused with my diamond sword. I picked up a comic and started reading. I heard a clicking sound and panicked breaths. I heard the shopkeeper say, "please, just take my lien and leave!" then another voice said, "we ain't here for your money. Grab the dust." the voice sounded rather deep and smooth. He sounded confident. I kind of zoned out because I was so immersed in the comic. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I ignored it and instead said, "wow, can 100 press ups, sit ups and squats a day for 3 years really give you the ability to defeat people with one punch?" I man turned me around. I looked up and saw a man in a black suit and a fedora. He was clutching a red saber, "i said, hands in the air!" he yelled. I stared at him, "are you mugging me?" he replied, "yes!" I stared at him for a second... then I punched him in the face, sending him flying. Some more goons with red sabers appeared. I ran up to one and leaped forward, kneeing him in the crotch. We crashed through the window. I stood up over the body of the guy, who was now clutching his balls in the fetal position. I surrounded myself in green fire. There was an awkward silence. The boss looked at his goons, "...okay..." he gestured over to me, "get him!" goons ran out and surrounded me. I took out my diamond sword, stabbed it into the ground and attached my wrist blades to it (that's a convenient feature, magic magnets, only activate when I want to, also works for my lightsabers) and used the grapple hook feature to swing around in a circle. I coated my foot in green fire which took the form of a dragons foot, "ANCIENT DRAGON MOSS CLAW!" I swung around and wiped them all out at once.

the boss stood there, "you're gonna become a growing thorn in my side, aren't you boy?" I frowned, "who're you calling a boy?" he stared at me, "you... you are 17 right?" I looked down. I was... different. I don't know how, but I was different. I felt... younger I looked up and he was gone. I looked around and he was climbing a ladder to the roof of a building. I growled. I shovelled a fiver out of my pocket, waved my other hand over it and it turned into Lien. I handed the old man the money, "I'll take the comic," I used my magic to superjump to the roof. We was at the edge of the roof. He turned around. I said, "you ain't going anywhere mate!" he smiled and dropped from the edge of the building. Then a flying vehicle elevated. The man was there. He slammed his fists together and he inhaled deeply, "DARK DRAGON ROAR!" a black beam of energy zoomed toward me. Then a woman appeared in front of me. She was blonde and wore glasses. She held a riding crop out and at the tip, a magic circle swirled. I heard her mumble to herself, "this is the fourth time within an hour. Fucking kids." I was stunned, I discovered the man i'm up against is a dragonslayer (I warned you), and a strange woman with a riding crop appeared out of nowhere. I snapped out of it and saw that the flying vehicle was flying away, "ENERGY IN MY RIGHT HAND, ENERGY IN MY LEFT! YOU PUT THE TWO TOGETHER!" I covered both my hands in magical energy and slammed my hands together. The balls converged into one big ball, "YOU GET... ANCIENT DRAGON SPIRIT BOMB!" I threw the ball at the vehicle. It hit one of the thrusters of the ship and it spun out and crash landed. There was an awkward silence. The woman glared at me. I looked out some more before saying, "oh bum."

a few minutes later, I found myself in an interrogation room. I was sat on a wooden chair in front of a small table. A man with medium length grey hair entered the room, "Iwan John." he said calmly, "you're... a dragonslayer..." I stared at him, "you... can pronounce my name right..." he chuckled, "i have talked to some of your friends, though it is an odd way to spell it." I replied, "yeah. My name is just my dad projecting his welsh pride onto me." he looked confused, "what is Welsh?" I paused, "can we get back on topic please?" he cleared his throat, "who taught you to use that kind of power?" I paused, "um... Durnehviir?" he continued to stare at me, "this man taught you to use one of the most powerful and rare forms of magic ever created?" I looked at him back, "what are you talking about? Durnehviir isn't a human, he's a dragon." he flinched, "so they really exist." there was an awkward pause..., "so..." Ozpin spoke, "you and your friends wanna go to my school?" I smiled, "that's why you came here... to speak... to... me..." another awkward silence. I looked both ways, "so..." I shuffled in my seat, "you got any cookies?"

 _several hours later_

we were on an aircraft. It was a beautiful morning. We stood at the edge of the craft, watching a news report on a big flat screen. The reporter was standing in front of CCTV footage of a girl in a black combat dress and a red hood. She was knocking down goons with a large red scythe. The woman said, "in other news, a peaceful faunus protest turned dark; as members of the white fang interrupted the ceremony. The attack was led by Roman Torchwick, who has evaded authorities. Contact the police if you have any information regarding these people." the screen displayed several people. One was a mugshot of the bloke I fought last night. The screen turned off, reveal a beautiful landscape with a large building embedded in a mountain. Then we heard hurling sounds, followed by splatters. We turned around to see a blonde boy in an armoured hoodie with his hand over his mouth. His face was tinged green. We landed and got off. We walked forward and saw the massive building and the Beacon tower. We stared in awe. I looked over to Artemis, who had a grumpy look on her face, "what's the matter? Not used to being 17?" she grunted. We continued down a wide, long brick path to the great hall. We entered the great hall. We were given instructions and were free to roam the grounds, so we decided to take a walk. "this is going to be so great!" said Lewis excitedly. I replied, "steady on there Lucifer, you know what happens later." his smile half faded, "oh yeah." I laughed, "don't worry mate, we've been trained, we'll knock 'em dead" his smile returned. Then I bumped into somebody and we both fell over. My face fell into something soft. When I realised where my face was I immediately got up and inhaled deeply, "IAMSOSORRYIDIDN'TMEANTO!" I felt something hit my face, then my stomach. A female voice shrieked, "OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T YOU FUCKING PERV!" she then proceeded to knee me in the crotch. I squealed and fell to my knees, "surely you would've avoided me," I squeaked, "you must have been distracted too. What were you doing?" she looked both ways, "that's... none of your business!" I noticed she was blushing, with her dark silver long hair in her face to hide her expression. I noticed a scroll in her hand on a website with male models posing erotically. I cringed, "nevermind, I see now." she quickly hid her scroll behind her, "uh... shut up!" she scowled at me and I glared back. I got up and we clashed heads, pushing against each other while making quite sexist and offensive remarks.

Artemis and Lewis stood there awkwardly, "good grief! Is he usually like this?" asked Artemis. "he's usually a nice guy, but being blamed for something out of his control is his pet peeve." replied Lewis. "but he could've looked where he was going." countered Artemis. ""she could've too. She can see through her scroll, so she would've noticed or at least heard people walking. We are the only ones here after all." replied Lewis. I took my head away and calmed down. I put my hands up, "Look i'm sorry. I should've been looking where I was going so I didn't bump into you and accidentally put my head between your-" she held her hand out. I looked into her ocean blue eyes. I looked at her. She wore an aqua blue shirt with a combat skirt of the same colour. She had straight, long dark silver hair. Something about her was different; strange. I took her hand and shook it. She said, "I'm sorry for losing my temper." she then proceeded to walk away and continued to look at her... "stuff" another few hours passed and we were lying on mats in sleeping bags in the ball room. Everyone else was there. "I'm proud of you buddy, you made it to second base within the first hour of arriving here!" said Lewis with a big goofy grin on his face. I scowled at him, "i'm just lucky she left me in tact. She didn't seem right. She smells... weird." Lewis' grin grew wider, "so you got a good whiff of her too!" he laughed. I growled, "if you don't shut up, you'll be smelling like charcoal." he snickered, "why don't you ask her what's up?" I looked at him, "why?" he focused his eyes just above me, "because she's standing right behind you." then I felt someone drag me back. She pushed me up against a wall, "who are you!?" I paused, "my name is Iwan. Iwan John." she stared at me, "are you a dragonslayer?" I smiled, "sure. I smelled funny didn't I?" she flinched, "how did you-?" "i smelled it on you too. So what type of elemental magic do you use?" she let me go, "My name is Rhea Amazonia. I'm a water dragonslayer." ' _so there are dragonslayers in RWBY. Geez, i'm the most rubbish fanfic writer in the world,'_ I thought as I began to zone out She snapped her fingers in front of me. I returned to reality. "i'm an ancient dragonslayer. I was trained by the ancient dragon Durnehviir. What about you?" she replied, "I'm Rhea Amazonia. I'm a water dragonslayer trained by the water dragon Atlantia." I held out my hand. She hesitated, and then shook it, "this doesn't mean you're off the hook." I raised an eyebrow, "then why'd you take my hand." she hesitated again before turning her back to me and folding her arms, "it... was a temporary peace offering." I turned around and walked back, "suit yourself. Good luck on the initiation." she grunted. I crawled back into my sleeping bag and flopped over, falling asleep almost instantly.

I woke up to someone prodding my face. It was Lewis, "Iwan. Iwan Iwan Iwan Iwan Iwan." I woke up and rubbed my eyes, "what?" Lewis had a wide grin on his face, "today's the day! We gotta get up! We gotta get ready boi!" he continued to talk like that as we prepped ourselves for the initiation. We entered the locker hall, "why don't you leave the crazy bit to Nora ok?" I said monotonously as I took my diamond sword, my wrist blades (*glass crunching sounds*) and my magic bag out of my locker. I examined my sword and on each end of the hilt, there was a small button. I pressed it and the sword disassembled and reassembled to form a large, diamond encrusted revolver. I noticed a line down the middle, as if it could be pulled in half. I pulled it in half. Both halves reformed as two separate revolvers. I clicked two buttons that were on the handles of the revolvers and they formed swords again. I put them together and slid it into my sheathe. Right of me, Lewis pulled out his scythe and left, Artemis pulled out a bow that could break into two swords, and a few of her arrows. We set off to the meeting point. We stood on metal square pads. Ozpin gave us instructions and began launching us into the forest. A few untextured students flew into the thick green landscape. Left of me, Artemis flew off into the forest. I took a deep breath and the square pad I was standing on flung me forward at breaking speed. I laughed as I broke my fall by shooting fireballs below me. A covered both of my hands in energy, slapped them together and flung it in the direction I was going. I bounced off the ball like a bean bag and rolled when I landed. I ran while I sniffed the air to find Lewis. Then I bumped into someone. Then something soft and heavy landed on my face. I saw something bright blue. I heard a familiar voice say, "oh no! Did I run into somebody?" I raised my hand, "mmmmphh mphh!" she gasped. I felt the weight lift off my face. I gasped for breath and was immediately met with a harder, heavier one. I grabbed what was on me and pushed it off. I saw the sole of a combat boot. I peeked my head to see the angry glaring eyes of Rhea.

She withdrew her boot and I got up. There was a minute of awkward silence. "So..." I began, "i guess we're partners now." she scratched the back of her head, "i hate to admit it, but you're right. Bummer. And I was just catching onto her scent as well." I raised an eyebrow, "who's scent?" she looked at me, "your friend, short, silver eyes, wields a large bow." I snapped my fingers, "Artemis." she nodded, "yeah." then we heard an audible, "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!" we looked toward the source of the noise, "looks like Temmie found her partner. Let's go find out who." we took off in the direction of the voice. We emerged from the bushes to find Artemis. Her face was red and locked into an intense death stare, staring into space. I looked over to Lewis who was lifted into the air by Artemis. His face was purple and he was flailing about trying to release himself from the goddess's grip. I stood there watching, "So, Artemis," she looked at me, "you gonna let Lewis go anytime soon." she let him go and he collapsed to the floor, gasping for air. He got up, "let's go so I can get this over with." Artemis gritted her teeth and turned to me, "One step out of line from him and i'll end it quicker!" I looked at her, then down to Lewis who was still gasping for breath. He wheezed as if he was trying to speak. I looked back at Artemis, "he makes no promises." Rhea tapped my shoulder, "um, should be et to work on getting to the forest temple." I nodded. We ran off north. When we reached the temple, there was nobody there and every chess piece was there. I walked to the podium with a white bishop piece on it, "i guess these are the relics." I picked the piece up, "what about this one?" Rhea nodded, "that'll do." Lewis found the other black bishop and took it. We began to head back. We reached a crevasse. Then the earth shook. And a giant beowolf emerged from the massive fissure I gazed up in shock, "...that's new!". It let out a loud roar and a load of beowolves surrounded us. We readied our weapons. Artemis yelled, "...FUCK!" Rhea responded, "kiss your mother with that mouth!?" I laughed, "I'm proud of you Tem!" I heard her growl, "Don't call me that!" I split my sword in two and turned them into revolvers. I shot a beowolf, and another while yelling, "BOOM!" with each shot. Once they were all dead I yelled, "WHO'S NEXT!? WHO. IS. NEXT!?" the giant Beowolf roared. I smiled and laughed, "thanks for volunteering!"

I turned my revolvers into swords and put them away. I slammed my fists together and a magic circle appeared in front of me. I jumped forward with green flames surrounding my right fist, "ANCIENT DRAGON TITANIUM FIST!" I punched it in the face. There was a small shockwave and it's head exploded into a million bits. I landed and looked forward as the headless creature fell into the valley. I put on some shades, "i guess it's safe to say we're aHEAD in the game." YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! The others stared at me in awe. "i saw you fight when protecting Kate, but that was insane! You were like one punch man!" Lewis said, astounded. I replied, "first of all, how could you see me fight? You were a long way away." he responded, "i... got a telescope, you idiot." I continued, "second of all..." I pointed at my hair, "do I look bald to you?" Lewis had a half lidded expression of irritation on his face, "boi. Are you serious?" I laughed, "of course not."

 _a couple hours later_

"Lewis Holloway, Iwan John, Rhea Amazonia and Artemis Nightarrow..." said Ozpin. I leaned over to Artemis and whispered, "seriously, that's the name you gave them?" she hissed, "i don't know, I panicked." Ozpin continued, "together you gathered the white bishop pieces. Together you form team LIRA. With your leader..." we held our breath, "Lewis Holloway." Lewis gasped, "what?" I nudged his arm, "hey, didn't you realise? The person with the first initial on the team name is always leader." he paused and soon, his eyes widened in realisation, "oh shit." we walked off stage. After a while we retired to our dorms. I sighed and flopped on the leftmost bed, "Jesus, it's Secondary school all over again!" Lewis flopped onto the bed next to me, "you can say that again." Artemis flopped onto the bed next to that, "agreed." Rhea flopped on the last bed, "what?" I continued, "i'm so tired, i'm gonna leave the fanfiction here and continue soon." Rhea said, "wh-what!?"

 _To be continued..._


End file.
